Five minutes. Five minutes was at it took for him to yank the ground out from under me, and just leave me lying there.
It was a five minute conversation to end a six-year long love, friendship, and partnership. We had been separated by a couple thousand miles since the beginning of the year, but I thought we were doing okay. I had made plans to join him on the west coast, and even had my ticket in hand for an upcoming visit. None of that will happen now.
This isn't a story with a lot of layers. This is a story where he has always been the main character; me, the ever-supporting actress. I followed his lead, all the way to end.
It took five minutes for him to explain that he didn't want to be with me. That he'd made a drunken mistake out of what was seemingly the hopes of sabotaging our relationship. It took five minutes to tell me that I wasn't worth fighting for, that he had made this decision on his own, that I was disposable and inconsequential. Those five minutes showed me exactly how little he thought of me, how little he respected me, and how easily I could be dismissed.
And now I'm left with what feels like a million five minutes. Nothing but time stretched out in front of me. Time to think, wonder, and agonize over what happened. I wonder if he is feeling what I am feeling. I wonder if he wakes up feeling like the pain is going to crush him. I wonder if when he finally is able to sleep, he dreams of me in snippets that provide no clarity or relief. I wonder if he's lost his appetite. I wonder if he feels all the time on edge, with no amount of exercise or social time enough to let out everything that is coursing through him. I wonder if he replays my words in his head the way I do his. "I love you, but..." and "this is it," over and over on repeat. I wonder if he is constantly reminded of me; every movie preview, every shot of our favorite city, every inside joke, and every reference to a future that we were supposed to share.
I know that it's still so new and raw and sad. I know that it won't always be this way. What I don't know is what the new version of me looks like.
No one is telling me
you just wont talk to me
tell me what all this is for
if you used to see in me
something you could believe
know that this is worth fighting for
There's a boy on the coast
yeah, I think of him now
I wonder what did I do
and I thought we were fine
standing right where we should
and, I'm sorry
don't trust me with anything good
Oh love, this is the part where you go
and I fall to my knees on the floor
and now maybe I'm wasting my time
but, I'll be the bad guy
- Meghan Tonjes
