If I’m being truthful, I’ve spent the last month distracting
myself from my real life. It hasn’t been a bad way to spend 30 days, but I have
certainly not put in the work of healing and growing.
I’m trying to not be so hard on myself. Not to beat myself
up because I haven’t held up to some standard that only I know about. Trying to
just be in the moment and appreciate breath and life and light.
I went to South America for Thanksgiving. For the first time
as an adult, I took a 10-day vacation and unplugged. I didn’t check-in with
work, didn’t take my laptop with me, didn’t really even use my personal cell
phone. I disconnected. I focused on important things like getting a tan,
reading a book, and sleeping past eight. I challenged myself. I jumped 30 feet
into a beautiful, cool, dark, and deep cenote. I snorkeled with beautiful
creatures and didn’t worry when they brushed against my arm. I had amazing
fruit and grilled meats from food stands on the streets of Sao Paulo. I wore a
slinky dress, something that I wouldn’t have been able to fit into in a
previous life. I strutted flirtatiously in said slinky dress. I danced with strangers
and let boys who didn’t speak English kiss me. I connected with my girlfriends
in such an amazing and beautiful way. I lived. I loved.
There was so much build-up for South America, it made the
reality of home sort of hit me in the face. I allowed myself to take a break
from the grief work I’ve been doing. No relationship inventory, no constantly
assessing how I’m feeling and why. Just being. I’ve also taken a little break
from being on plan. My focus right now is taking care of myself. I’m exercising
every day, but I’m also enjoying the holidays. It’s also been a nice test to
see how I handle things in moderation. I’ve actually enjoyed having just one
cookie, or just one glass of punch and then enjoying the conversation, dancing,
or other fun a festive night can bring.
Something really special happens when you open yourself up
to others. As I have had to face things by myself that I used to do as part of
a couple, I have tried to keep one focus: love. When I walk into a new
situation, I try to be loving and kind to everyone I meet. I can be pretty judgmental
and stand-offish in new situations, and I have tried to let that insecurity
stay on the back burner. When I am confronted with a sea of new faces, I smile,
ask questions, and genuinely focus on getting to know someone without
prejudice. And this strange thing has happened. I have made some great new
friends. I have even been out on a few dates. While I can certainly attribute
some of this to feeling confident in my new body, I know most of it is mental.
When I see people as good and kind, they actually turn out to be that way.
Expecting every new person to fail me before they have a chance hasn’t worked
for me in the past. I figure it’s time to try something new.
I know that all the travel and parties and cocktails have helped
in my healing process, but I also know that there is more intense work to be
done. For now, I’m letting myself feel the freedom of being single and feeling
beautiful. The work will be there when I’m ready for it.
