Thursday Musings

My day started off with some prep work for a big meeting I have next week. I'm really nervous about it because it's my first meeting with a new client. These things always work out, even if the meeting is not pleasant, but I find myself dragging my feet when I need to prepare for major events like this.

Today, I stopped myself and thought about what was causing me to distract myself from this important task. It came down to not feeling confident, not feeling like I was going to succeed in the meeting.

I forced myself to dig in, take notes, and find answers. At the end of the day, I felt much better about the visit. I'm really taking myself to task on this self doubt thing. I think I sometimes sabotage myself ahead of time simply because I'm afraid the end result won't be what I want.

My challenge throughout this process of losing weight will be the same. I have fears that I won't get to the size I want to be, or that I won't feel as good as I hope to. Those are all great reasons to tear into an enchilada, but I'm not letting them be catalysts for going off the program. With every pound I say goodbye to, I say hello to feeling better and better about myself.

My First Video!

Ut oh...someone learned how to use Youtube...

It's true, I've joined the digital age. 15 years too late, but I'm here.

So, I uploaded my first video blog to Youtube today. You can check it out here. Be gentle, I'm still new to this. I was trying not to sound as nervous as I felt.

Things are going quite well, and I am going to make a valiant effort to be better about keeping up here. The entire point of me starting this blog was to document what and how I was doing. I also really want to keep myself accountable to this program. The more I write here, the more likely I will be to stay the course.

So, more to come. For now, enjoy!

Medifast Mondays

I need you to pretend that I posted this on a Monday. I know I could technically back date this post so that it looked like I posted it on Monday. But that would be lying, and I choose to keep my lying to a less publicly recorded format.

Since the focus of this blog is to document my quest to be healthy, I thought it might be fun and helpful to highlight how the Medifast program is helping me. To be clear, I do not work for Medifast, nor am I being paid to talk about Medifast products and programs. I am truly a case study into what it is to be a part of the Medifast program. I want to be as transparent as possible when it comes to the good and bad of this being on the Medifast plan.

First off, I did a write-up of what the program entails under the "Medifast" link on the right side of the page. For a quick recap, I am on the 5&1 program with Medifast. This means I eat five Medifast meals (packaged meals made by Medifast) and one lean and green meal each day. The lean and green meal is a combination of protein and vegetables. There's a lot more to the program, so I would encourage you to check out the plethora of Medifast websites and blogs that are available. I also have a health coach that I am happy to put you in touch with if you're interested in being a Medifaster.

As I mentioned earlier, I have had my skepticism about this program, mainly due to the large amount of processed foods that are included in the plan. Over the past few years, I have made a conscious effort to  consume more locally grown and organic foods. Medifast sort of flies in the face of that. I won't say that it still doesn't bother me, but I will say that I have come to a compromise with myself. Since I do have control over the lean and green portion of my meals, I always choose organic, free-range, pesticide free, and local foods whenever possible. I also read another woman's comment on the Medifast site that said something along the lines of being overweight is so bad for her, that if she has to lose weight by eating processed foods, then so be it. This resonated with me. I would rather make a short term sacrifice of eating foods are packaged and highly processed, so that I have more freedom in my decisions once I make it to a healthier weight.

That said, the food is actually pretty tasty. I have had some red herrings (not literally) since I started seven weeks ago, but overall I enjoy the taste of the food. There are also a lot of great ideas for creative lean and green meals online as well. I'll be posting some links to my favorite sites, as well as reviews of recipes in the coming weeks. I have tried to keep my lean and green meals as simple as possible, mainly just to get used to being on the plan.

So for the first week, here are a few recommendations for how to survive. In the interest of full disclosure, I have had a really easy time following this plan. The convenience of the food means I can just throw some bars or munchies in my purse and not have to worry. I keep a stash of meals in my desk at work, and I can easily nuke the other meals at home. I even enjoy making my lean and green meal every night. I know others struggle, especially in the first week. I hit my first week o' struggle last week, so I have some ideas on things that help.

Medifast allows a certain number of "snacks" per day/week. These include things like pickle spears, sugar free popsicles, and jello. I would recommend stocking up on a few of these items. It really helped when I needed just a little extra something to get me through. I would also recommend ordering a variety of foods for your first order. Your health coach will likely place your first order for you, so don't be afraid to let him/her know what types of food you like. I have a great combination of savory and sweet foods, so I never feel like I'm missing out.

I have had a great amount of success so far, and have lost over 27 pounds since starting the last week in January. The plan works if you stick with it and stay within the guidelines of the program. Good luck, and I'll have more tips and ideas on the next Medifast Monday!

Taming the Beast

I have been struggling with what to write here since I started this blog. I really want this to be an accurate journal of the work I am doing to lose weight, but I also don't want to make this entirely about weight loss. The point of getting healthier for me is so that I can stop worrying and thinking about losing weight all the time. I do a lot more with my days than just lose weight, so I feel like it's only fair to paint a picture of those things too.

I think I mentioned before that it's hard for me to get excited for myself when good things happen to me. Last month, I was offered a promotion at work that is an accomplishment I have been working towards for almost five years. And I wasn't all that excited about it. I made pros/cons list to determine if it was really a good thing. I talked about it ad nauseam to my coworkers and boyfriend. I thought of all the ways in which I wasn't going to succeed in the position and all the reasons I should turn down the offer. And let me tell you, there was absolutely no reason for this.

I work really hard to provide for myself and accommodate my clients. I am respected by others at my company, and received a lot of congratulatory responses when my promotion was announced. The only person who I didn't receive a congratulations from was myself. As I was tossing around in my head all of the new responsibilities I am going to have, I stopped myself. Why am I freaking out about this? Why can't I enjoy this for a minute? Why do I reluctantly thank every person who congratulates me?

I am afraid to fail. I am afraid that I am going to be terrible at this job. I'm afraid I am going to fall flat on my face and everyone is going to laugh at me.

Failure. There it was, my least favorite f-word. I was allowing the fear of failure to beat my up, shame me, scare me, and doubt myself. I was being consumed by something that hadn't even happened.

I spent a lot of time this weekend contemplating why I am so afraid to fail. I have had my fair share of failure, but I have also had a more than fair amount of success. My present employment is one of those shining examples; I started in an entry-level position, and have steadily worked my way up to rather prestigious role. And it wasn't just some fluke that this happened, it happened because I worked for it. So why can't I let myself accept and enjoy it?

This same fear strikes me in other areas - my relationships, finances, and especially weight loss. I am constantly checking, confirming, an reassuring myself that everything is going well and that I'm doing okay. All of this supervision of my personal state keeps me from enjoying the ride.

I am trying really hard to focus on being successful on this weight loss program, but it's also important for me to pay attention to what I am doing while I'm succeeding. Scaring myself into success hasn't worked in the past, and it's not going to work now. What can I do to chill out a bit, to stop worrying and just live?

I identified a few things that will help me in this quest to tame my fear of failure.

1. Write about it. Just being able to write a few sentences here has made me feel a little less distracted by my doubts.
2. Focus on the task at hand. So often, I find myself worrying about what will happen next: my next meal, my next client conference, my next call with my boyfriend. Instead, I just want to focus my attention on my current meal, my current meeting, and my current call. By paying attention to what is happening now, I'm much more engaged in my life and not distracted by what might happen next.
3. Tone down the self doubt. No more lists, no more rationalizing my success, no more cyclical obsessing. I realize this is my toughest challenge, but I am going to try hard to keep myself accountable to this.

So here goes, dear readers. Things are going really well for me right now. I have lost 27 pounds since starting Medifast. I feel great and for the first time, I feel like I could actually do this. I also got a great promotion that I am super excited to start. Not only is a a great bump in salary and title, but it's something that I have worked towards for several years. And that is something to be proud of, no strings attached.

The Promise of Apprehension

Things are going well. Actually, things are going really well. Now I just need to convince myself to be excited.

I got a promotion at work this week. A big promotion, with a lot of responsibility that goes along with it. I am both excited and incredulous. Do you ever feel like you're just pretending to be an adult? I feel that way at least half of the time. Sometimes, when I look back on my life and the things I wanted when I was a kid, I have no idea how I got here. Is this office really mine? Do I really have all of these grown-up things like a bank account and a car and a person who grooms my eyebrows for me? Sometimes, I feel like I'm out of body and just looking at myself doing adult things. Watch Emily as she grocery shops and drops off the recycling. Observe Emily as she takes a vacation that she planned and booked herself. See Emily in her native habitat, doing laundry and making her lunch.

Where did this girl woman come from? 

The challenge I have is believing that the good things in my life are mine and that they are here because I earned them in some capacity. I consistently struggle to believe that I am worth what I am paid, that it is not just by chance that I have found professional success, love, and the ability to manage a good life. I can't seem to put my finger on why I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

As I continue down this path of losing weight and establishing a healthier life for myself, it feels the same. I don't want to get excited about how much weight I have lost because I am afraid that I will it all come back on the scale and in the way my clothes fit. This fear is justified because it has happened before. It has happened every single time. What I can't help but wonder is if maybe a lot of my previous weight loss failures had to do with my own self-sobotage. Hows does the saying go? Be careful of your thoughts, they become your actions? If I continue to remind myself of my past failures, continue to beat myself up over the fact that I have a pattern for not doing something, maybe that becomes the truth eventually. Maybe at some point, the negative thoughts and self-doubt stop being words in my head and turn into actions.

I worked hard to win the promotion at work. And I am working hard to become healthy. My hard work has led to accomplishments like a higher salary and a slimmer waistline. These things weren't bestowed upon me from a fairy princess, and I don't have any lamps that a genie is going to pop-out of. I have to be my own genie, my own, fairy princess, and if you're a Seinfeld junkie, the master of my own domain.

So this is what I am working on. Believing in myself, as cheesy as it sounds. Reminding myself that I didn't just land here by chance. Remembering that I can do this.

Perspective

I should be more excited about this post. That said, I am really excited about this post. I have lost 15 pounds since starting the Medifast program a couple weeks ago. 15 pounds! I feel good, my energy seems to be up, I'm sleeping well, and not climbing the walls in search of Doritos. I couldn't be more excited. Except that I could be more excited.

I should be more excited because when I stepped on the scale yesterday, I felt a tiny surge of disappointment. Not at the amount of weight I had lost, but what the weight loss means for me in the grand scheme of my overall weight loss dreams. I have a lot of weight to lose. A lot. I can't emphasize it enough. And I know that I this is a small victory for me - to chip off a chunk (pun intended) of a very large number. For that I am grateful, proud of myself, and excited. But it also forces me to look ahead to what I have left.

Part of going on the Medifast plan was to stop all of the counting that I have done on diets in the past. I have counted calories, carbs, fat grams, protein grams, cups, ounces, and teaspoons. I liked Medifast because most of this work is done for me. There is a minimal amount of measuring I have to do, but the plan helps in that I am not obsessing over things like calories and sugar. Some doctor or scientist already figured it all out for me, and now I just have to show up. The counting that I still struggle with is that of how much weight I have lost.

Losing weight as a goal is tricky, because it always involves some form of measurement. There is the measurement of my actual weight, the measurement of my girth in inches, the measurement of how my clothes fit in size, and the measurement of all of this by the inevitable feedback that comes from casual observers. I see the importance in measurement. Motivation is hard to conjure if there is no point of reference, no objective to build upon, no reinforcement to fuel it. Unfortunately, as it relates to weight loss, some kind of measurement is required to keep motivation. I accept this, but I really really really don't like it. Really.

So today, and tomorrow, and the rest of what will probably be forever, I am fighting to find perspective. 15 pounds is awesome, even if all I ever lose for the rest of the my life is this 15 pounds. It means that it's a little easier for me to get up and down stairs. It means that my clothes fit a little better. It means that I'm not exerting as much pressure on my joints as I was two weeks ago. And this is something to be excited for.

One of the challenges I have identified for myself in this endeavor is to celebrate progress, regardless of how small it looks and feels. So I am celebrating this 15 pounds, and all of the 15 pounds to follow. And you know what? 15 pounds feels pretty damn good.

The Skinny on Waiting

I feel a lot of pressure to write an amazing (uh-mazing) first post. Clearly, I'm off to bad start since I've already inserted a parenthetical statement. Hopefully, it only gets better from here.

I'm not new to blogging, but I am new to being completely transparent in a public format, such as a blog. So here goes. My name is Emily. I'm a 30-ish gal who hails from the midwest, but has settled in the great city of Nashville, Tennessee. There is nothing that remarkable or noteworthy about me. My day-to-day is pretty vanilla: corporate gig, small group of great friends, super awesome boyfriend, and a sweet family who I don't see as much as I'd like. My life is nice, and I have very little to complain about.

Despite such a great life, I have always had a singular nag that has caused the most self-doubt, frustration, and heartache for me: my weight. It hasn't seemed to matter what my lot in life, my weight has always followed me, always been a reminder of the thing I wish I was, but can never be. It has gone from something that at one time was just a social nuisance, to something that could be a health risk. It is probably for the latter reason that I decided to make a change.

My goal with this blog is to chronicle my weight loss journey. I don't have a target number of pounds I want to lose, or a pant size that I want to get into. What I do have is a plan for feeling better about myself, a lot of research on how to get there, and the accountability of this blog to help motivate me.

So...about the title. I used to hate the word skinny. In the interest of full disclosure, I have had a sordid past with my weight, food, scales, you name it. I am recovering from a long-term relationship with an eating disorder. I have tried and failed at no fewer than 15 diet programs. I have thrown out countless scales, only to buy a new one six months later. All along the way, hearing the word skinny woven into my endeavors. How much weight have I lost, because I look so skinny. If I just stay on this treadmill for an extra 40 minutes, I will be skinny. If you don't order ranch dressing with your salad, you will get so skinny.

What has changed in me is not my desire to be skinny. What has changed in me is my definition of what skinny is. After battling with myself for almost 20 years, I know I will never be size-two skinny, Adriana Lima skinny, or spin class six days a week skinny. What skinny means for me is finding a weight, size, and state of mind that is comfortable. I am not there yet. I have tried to be one of those girls who embraces her size and deflects all the naysayers. If I did that, I would be lying to myself. I want to be thinner, yes, but I also want to feel good about climbing the stairs, chasing my nephews, and dancing to my favorite songs. To me, feeling good, being able to maintain activity, and also looking good in the mirror, all equate to my definition of skinny.

I hope you have fun with me while I await skinny. I can't promise that I will be great at staying motivated, or eating healthy all the time, or exercising every day. What I can promise is to be honest about the cool stuff I'm doing and the challenges I'm facing. I'm pretty good at spittin' some truth, so truth is what you shall receive.

Deep breath, dive in. Let's await together.