Five minutes. Five minutes was at it took for him to yank the ground out from under me, and just leave me lying there.
It was a five minute conversation to end a six-year long love, friendship, and partnership. We had been separated by a couple thousand miles since the beginning of the year, but I thought we were doing okay. I had made plans to join him on the west coast, and even had my ticket in hand for an upcoming visit. None of that will happen now.
This isn't a story with a lot of layers. This is a story where he has always been the main character; me, the ever-supporting actress. I followed his lead, all the way to end.
It took five minutes for him to explain that he didn't want to be with me. That he'd made a drunken mistake out of what was seemingly the hopes of sabotaging our relationship. It took five minutes to tell me that I wasn't worth fighting for, that he had made this decision on his own, that I was disposable and inconsequential. Those five minutes showed me exactly how little he thought of me, how little he respected me, and how easily I could be dismissed.
And now I'm left with what feels like a million five minutes. Nothing but time stretched out in front of me. Time to think, wonder, and agonize over what happened. I wonder if he is feeling what I am feeling. I wonder if he wakes up feeling like the pain is going to crush him. I wonder if when he finally is able to sleep, he dreams of me in snippets that provide no clarity or relief. I wonder if he's lost his appetite. I wonder if he feels all the time on edge, with no amount of exercise or social time enough to let out everything that is coursing through him. I wonder if he replays my words in his head the way I do his. "I love you, but..." and "this is it," over and over on repeat. I wonder if he is constantly reminded of me; every movie preview, every shot of our favorite city, every inside joke, and every reference to a future that we were supposed to share.
I know that it's still so new and raw and sad. I know that it won't always be this way. What I don't know is what the new version of me looks like.
No one is telling me
you just wont talk to me
tell me what all this is for
if you used to see in me
something you could believe
know that this is worth fighting for
There's a boy on the coast
yeah, I think of him now
I wonder what did I do
and I thought we were fine
standing right where we should
and, I'm sorry
don't trust me with anything good
Oh love, this is the part where you go
and I fall to my knees on the floor
and now maybe I'm wasting my time
but, I'll be the bad guy
- Meghan Tonjes
Monday, September 30, 2013
Monday, August 5, 2013
Medifast Mondays: Smoothie Review
Welcome to the first installment of Medifast Mondays! If this is your first time to my blog, check out the About Me and Medifast pages for more details on my journey.
I was super excited to try the Medifast smoothies. That's not true. I wasn't really excited at all. I'm not much of a smoothie kinda gal. I would prefer a glass of juice or a bowl of ice cream. Not some weird combination of both.
However, since starting the Medifast program, I have been craving fruit. This is definitely a good problem to have, and Medifast offers a few "fruity" options to get you over the hump. I thought I would try the smoothies to see if they satisfied my cravings.
There are two smoothie flavors: Pineapple Mango and Triple Berry. I was intrigued by the Pineapple Mango as I love tart foods, and thought this would be yummy.
The consensus: I thought both flavors were so-so. I probably won't order again. I did only order one packet of each, so I didn't have my room to play. I blended the Pineapple Mango smoothie with ice, and liked it better than the Triple Berry smoothie, which I only blended with water. Both flavors had a weird diet-y after taste, and neither had the fruity punch I was looking for. I did like that there were actual bits of fruit in each.
I think I'll save these for a rainy day. I have seen some reviews where the smoothies were made into popsicles, or blended with Greek yogurt. These may make a difference!
Enjoy!
I was super excited to try the Medifast smoothies. That's not true. I wasn't really excited at all. I'm not much of a smoothie kinda gal. I would prefer a glass of juice or a bowl of ice cream. Not some weird combination of both.
However, since starting the Medifast program, I have been craving fruit. This is definitely a good problem to have, and Medifast offers a few "fruity" options to get you over the hump. I thought I would try the smoothies to see if they satisfied my cravings.
There are two smoothie flavors: Pineapple Mango and Triple Berry. I was intrigued by the Pineapple Mango as I love tart foods, and thought this would be yummy.
The consensus: I thought both flavors were so-so. I probably won't order again. I did only order one packet of each, so I didn't have my room to play. I blended the Pineapple Mango smoothie with ice, and liked it better than the Triple Berry smoothie, which I only blended with water. Both flavors had a weird diet-y after taste, and neither had the fruity punch I was looking for. I did like that there were actual bits of fruit in each.
I think I'll save these for a rainy day. I have seen some reviews where the smoothies were made into popsicles, or blended with Greek yogurt. These may make a difference!
Enjoy!
Friday, August 2, 2013
Fitbit Flex 90-day Review
Happy VEDA (Vlog Every Day in August) month, friends! Feel free to check out my vlog on the Fibit, as well as the weird face I'm making here:
I have been using the Flex for about three months now, and am still incredibly satisfied with its performance. The band is comfortable, and I don't even notice it anymore. Both the iPhone and Android apps are easy to use intuitive as well. You couldn't see the screens very well in my video, so I've added some screen captures below for each system type.
iPhone App:
Android:
What I like the best is how consistent the tracking device is. It does a great job of accurately measuring the steps I take in a day. I also like that dashboard and apps display my most active periods of time. The device has helped me accomplish what I set out to do: better monitor my physical activity. Although the actual tracking is limited to walking or running, other activity types can be entered using the apps and dashboard.
Enjoy!
I have been using the Flex for about three months now, and am still incredibly satisfied with its performance. The band is comfortable, and I don't even notice it anymore. Both the iPhone and Android apps are easy to use intuitive as well. You couldn't see the screens very well in my video, so I've added some screen captures below for each system type.
iPhone App:
Android:
What I like the best is how consistent the tracking device is. It does a great job of accurately measuring the steps I take in a day. I also like that dashboard and apps display my most active periods of time. The device has helped me accomplish what I set out to do: better monitor my physical activity. Although the actual tracking is limited to walking or running, other activity types can be entered using the apps and dashboard.
Enjoy!
Friday, April 26, 2013
Portland A Go-Go
Hi friends! In an attempt to be better about both blogging and v-logging, I present you with a new blog post. Please hold your applause.
My latest YouTube diary is up, and I talk about quitting cyclical negative self-talk here:
I didn't mention this in the video, but I did decide to do the 4&2 plan while I was on vacation. On the 4&2 plan, I had four Medifast meals and two lean and green meals each day. I still spaced the meals 2-3 hours apart, and stayed within the parameters of the lean and green Medifast suggestions. I was able to enjoy local cuisine, and still lost weight on vacation. I did discuss this with my health coach beforehand, and we agreed this was the best idea. I went right back to the 5&1 plan when I returned.
We had a great time in Portland last week. If you have never, I would highly recommend it. It doesn't rain as much as the city's reputation suggests.
Where to Stay
I am partial to Kimpton hotels, so we stayed at the Hotel Monaco. It was reasonably priced, except for parking, which was almost $40 a day. If you fly directly into Portland, you won't need a car. Hotel Monaco is very well appointed; the rooms were large, clean, and carried lots of amenities. The staff was also friendly and chatty. A cocktail reception is hosted in the lobby during the evening, and Voodoo donuts are available in the morning.
Places to Nosh
Via Tribulani: Yes, folks, this is a pizza place. However, they had a ton of "on plan" options. Try the mussels, you won't regret it. My boyfriend loved his pizza and Peroni, and there was also an extensive wine list to peruse. Very romantic and moody; low lit with dramatic chandeliers and mahogany bar and booths. This is in the Burnside neighborhood, right next door to Voodoo Donuts.
Portland City Grill: This restaurant is at the top floor of the US Bancorp building. It's touristy for sure, but the food doesn't disappoint. Try the cioppino, or the cheese plate appetizer. The view is well worth the visit, but you'll need to request a window-side table. Great for a romantic dinner, or a fun night out with friends. Lots of specialty cocktails and local brews.
Red Star Tavern and Roast House: this is technically restaurant affiliated with the Hotel Monaco, but it operates independently. The bar is comfy, with cozy spaces and seating. I had one of the best turkey burgers I've ever tasted, and a really fresh side-salad. Limited menu before dinner, but lots of local brews on tap.
Places to Go
Saturday Morning Market
This is Portland's version of a flea market, with over a hundred vendor booths selling everything from incense to jewelry to cookware. Most of the items are handmade or locally made. There are also a ton of food booths with eclectic cuisines. What I liked most is that the market borders the river walk. We took a little stroll after perusing the market.
Parks
Portland has a lot of great parks, very convenient to the city. We walked through both the north and south block parks. Both were very peaceful, with lots of great people watching. The south block parks house the Sunday Farmer's Market. We didn't have a chance to stop by, but heard great things about it.
Powell's Books
If you are a book lover, plan a whole afternoon for this place (maybe a bad weather day). It is quite possible the largest bookstore I have ever encountered. Multiple levels, books on every subject, and both new and used books for sale. Many authors make a stop here on their book tours, so check the schedule ahead of time.
Portland is an interesting city. The downtown area is very laid-back, not just the typical makeup of professionals that you might see in other downtown areas during the day. There is definitely a hipster vibe on every street. The city has great public transportation, that is free for most parts of downtown. The outskirts of the city offer hiking, camping, and kayaking as well.
My latest YouTube diary is up, and I talk about quitting cyclical negative self-talk here:
I didn't mention this in the video, but I did decide to do the 4&2 plan while I was on vacation. On the 4&2 plan, I had four Medifast meals and two lean and green meals each day. I still spaced the meals 2-3 hours apart, and stayed within the parameters of the lean and green Medifast suggestions. I was able to enjoy local cuisine, and still lost weight on vacation. I did discuss this with my health coach beforehand, and we agreed this was the best idea. I went right back to the 5&1 plan when I returned.
We had a great time in Portland last week. If you have never, I would highly recommend it. It doesn't rain as much as the city's reputation suggests.
Where to Stay
I am partial to Kimpton hotels, so we stayed at the Hotel Monaco. It was reasonably priced, except for parking, which was almost $40 a day. If you fly directly into Portland, you won't need a car. Hotel Monaco is very well appointed; the rooms were large, clean, and carried lots of amenities. The staff was also friendly and chatty. A cocktail reception is hosted in the lobby during the evening, and Voodoo donuts are available in the morning.
Places to Nosh
Via Tribulani: Yes, folks, this is a pizza place. However, they had a ton of "on plan" options. Try the mussels, you won't regret it. My boyfriend loved his pizza and Peroni, and there was also an extensive wine list to peruse. Very romantic and moody; low lit with dramatic chandeliers and mahogany bar and booths. This is in the Burnside neighborhood, right next door to Voodoo Donuts.
Portland City Grill: This restaurant is at the top floor of the US Bancorp building. It's touristy for sure, but the food doesn't disappoint. Try the cioppino, or the cheese plate appetizer. The view is well worth the visit, but you'll need to request a window-side table. Great for a romantic dinner, or a fun night out with friends. Lots of specialty cocktails and local brews.
Red Star Tavern and Roast House: this is technically restaurant affiliated with the Hotel Monaco, but it operates independently. The bar is comfy, with cozy spaces and seating. I had one of the best turkey burgers I've ever tasted, and a really fresh side-salad. Limited menu before dinner, but lots of local brews on tap.
Places to Go
Saturday Morning Market
This is Portland's version of a flea market, with over a hundred vendor booths selling everything from incense to jewelry to cookware. Most of the items are handmade or locally made. There are also a ton of food booths with eclectic cuisines. What I liked most is that the market borders the river walk. We took a little stroll after perusing the market.
Parks
Portland has a lot of great parks, very convenient to the city. We walked through both the north and south block parks. Both were very peaceful, with lots of great people watching. The south block parks house the Sunday Farmer's Market. We didn't have a chance to stop by, but heard great things about it.
Powell's Books
If you are a book lover, plan a whole afternoon for this place (maybe a bad weather day). It is quite possible the largest bookstore I have ever encountered. Multiple levels, books on every subject, and both new and used books for sale. Many authors make a stop here on their book tours, so check the schedule ahead of time.
Portland is an interesting city. The downtown area is very laid-back, not just the typical makeup of professionals that you might see in other downtown areas during the day. There is definitely a hipster vibe on every street. The city has great public transportation, that is free for most parts of downtown. The outskirts of the city offer hiking, camping, and kayaking as well.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Thursday Musings
My day started off with some prep work for a big meeting I have next week. I'm really nervous about it because it's my first meeting with a new client. These things always work out, even if the meeting is not pleasant, but I find myself dragging my feet when I need to prepare for major events like this.
Today, I stopped myself and thought about what was causing me to distract myself from this important task. It came down to not feeling confident, not feeling like I was going to succeed in the meeting.
I forced myself to dig in, take notes, and find answers. At the end of the day, I felt much better about the visit. I'm really taking myself to task on this self doubt thing. I think I sometimes sabotage myself ahead of time simply because I'm afraid the end result won't be what I want.
My challenge throughout this process of losing weight will be the same. I have fears that I won't get to the size I want to be, or that I won't feel as good as I hope to. Those are all great reasons to tear into an enchilada, but I'm not letting them be catalysts for going off the program. With every pound I say goodbye to, I say hello to feeling better and better about myself.
Monday, March 18, 2013
My First Video!
Ut oh...someone learned how to use Youtube...
It's true, I've joined the digital age. 15 years too late, but I'm here.
So, I uploaded my first video blog to Youtube today. You can check it out here. Be gentle, I'm still new to this. I was trying not to sound as nervous as I felt.
Things are going quite well, and I am going to make a valiant effort to be better about keeping up here. The entire point of me starting this blog was to document what and how I was doing. I also really want to keep myself accountable to this program. The more I write here, the more likely I will be to stay the course.
So, more to come. For now, enjoy!
It's true, I've joined the digital age. 15 years too late, but I'm here.
So, I uploaded my first video blog to Youtube today. You can check it out here. Be gentle, I'm still new to this. I was trying not to sound as nervous as I felt.
Things are going quite well, and I am going to make a valiant effort to be better about keeping up here. The entire point of me starting this blog was to document what and how I was doing. I also really want to keep myself accountable to this program. The more I write here, the more likely I will be to stay the course.
So, more to come. For now, enjoy!
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Medifast Mondays
I need you to pretend that I posted this on a Monday. I know I could technically back date this post so that it looked like I posted it on Monday. But that would be lying, and I choose to keep my lying to a less publicly recorded format.
Since the focus of this blog is to document my quest to be healthy, I thought it might be fun and helpful to highlight how the Medifast program is helping me. To be clear, I do not work for Medifast, nor am I being paid to talk about Medifast products and programs. I am truly a case study into what it is to be a part of the Medifast program. I want to be as transparent as possible when it comes to the good and bad of this being on the Medifast plan.
First off, I did a write-up of what the program entails under the "Medifast" link on the right side of the page. For a quick recap, I am on the 5&1 program with Medifast. This means I eat five Medifast meals (packaged meals made by Medifast) and one lean and green meal each day. The lean and green meal is a combination of protein and vegetables. There's a lot more to the program, so I would encourage you to check out the plethora of Medifast websites and blogs that are available. I also have a health coach that I am happy to put you in touch with if you're interested in being a Medifaster.
As I mentioned earlier, I have had my skepticism about this program, mainly due to the large amount of processed foods that are included in the plan. Over the past few years, I have made a conscious effort to consume more locally grown and organic foods. Medifast sort of flies in the face of that. I won't say that it still doesn't bother me, but I will say that I have come to a compromise with myself. Since I do have control over the lean and green portion of my meals, I always choose organic, free-range, pesticide free, and local foods whenever possible. I also read another woman's comment on the Medifast site that said something along the lines of being overweight is so bad for her, that if she has to lose weight by eating processed foods, then so be it. This resonated with me. I would rather make a short term sacrifice of eating foods are packaged and highly processed, so that I have more freedom in my decisions once I make it to a healthier weight.
That said, the food is actually pretty tasty. I have had some red herrings (not literally) since I started seven weeks ago, but overall I enjoy the taste of the food. There are also a lot of great ideas for creative lean and green meals online as well. I'll be posting some links to my favorite sites, as well as reviews of recipes in the coming weeks. I have tried to keep my lean and green meals as simple as possible, mainly just to get used to being on the plan.
So for the first week, here are a few recommendations for how to survive. In the interest of full disclosure, I have had a really easy time following this plan. The convenience of the food means I can just throw some bars or munchies in my purse and not have to worry. I keep a stash of meals in my desk at work, and I can easily nuke the other meals at home. I even enjoy making my lean and green meal every night. I know others struggle, especially in the first week. I hit my first week o' struggle last week, so I have some ideas on things that help.
Medifast allows a certain number of "snacks" per day/week. These include things like pickle spears, sugar free popsicles, and jello. I would recommend stocking up on a few of these items. It really helped when I needed just a little extra something to get me through. I would also recommend ordering a variety of foods for your first order. Your health coach will likely place your first order for you, so don't be afraid to let him/her know what types of food you like. I have a great combination of savory and sweet foods, so I never feel like I'm missing out.
I have had a great amount of success so far, and have lost over 27 pounds since starting the last week in January. The plan works if you stick with it and stay within the guidelines of the program. Good luck, and I'll have more tips and ideas on the next Medifast Monday!
Since the focus of this blog is to document my quest to be healthy, I thought it might be fun and helpful to highlight how the Medifast program is helping me. To be clear, I do not work for Medifast, nor am I being paid to talk about Medifast products and programs. I am truly a case study into what it is to be a part of the Medifast program. I want to be as transparent as possible when it comes to the good and bad of this being on the Medifast plan.
First off, I did a write-up of what the program entails under the "Medifast" link on the right side of the page. For a quick recap, I am on the 5&1 program with Medifast. This means I eat five Medifast meals (packaged meals made by Medifast) and one lean and green meal each day. The lean and green meal is a combination of protein and vegetables. There's a lot more to the program, so I would encourage you to check out the plethora of Medifast websites and blogs that are available. I also have a health coach that I am happy to put you in touch with if you're interested in being a Medifaster.
As I mentioned earlier, I have had my skepticism about this program, mainly due to the large amount of processed foods that are included in the plan. Over the past few years, I have made a conscious effort to consume more locally grown and organic foods. Medifast sort of flies in the face of that. I won't say that it still doesn't bother me, but I will say that I have come to a compromise with myself. Since I do have control over the lean and green portion of my meals, I always choose organic, free-range, pesticide free, and local foods whenever possible. I also read another woman's comment on the Medifast site that said something along the lines of being overweight is so bad for her, that if she has to lose weight by eating processed foods, then so be it. This resonated with me. I would rather make a short term sacrifice of eating foods are packaged and highly processed, so that I have more freedom in my decisions once I make it to a healthier weight.
That said, the food is actually pretty tasty. I have had some red herrings (not literally) since I started seven weeks ago, but overall I enjoy the taste of the food. There are also a lot of great ideas for creative lean and green meals online as well. I'll be posting some links to my favorite sites, as well as reviews of recipes in the coming weeks. I have tried to keep my lean and green meals as simple as possible, mainly just to get used to being on the plan.
So for the first week, here are a few recommendations for how to survive. In the interest of full disclosure, I have had a really easy time following this plan. The convenience of the food means I can just throw some bars or munchies in my purse and not have to worry. I keep a stash of meals in my desk at work, and I can easily nuke the other meals at home. I even enjoy making my lean and green meal every night. I know others struggle, especially in the first week. I hit my first week o' struggle last week, so I have some ideas on things that help.
Medifast allows a certain number of "snacks" per day/week. These include things like pickle spears, sugar free popsicles, and jello. I would recommend stocking up on a few of these items. It really helped when I needed just a little extra something to get me through. I would also recommend ordering a variety of foods for your first order. Your health coach will likely place your first order for you, so don't be afraid to let him/her know what types of food you like. I have a great combination of savory and sweet foods, so I never feel like I'm missing out.
I have had a great amount of success so far, and have lost over 27 pounds since starting the last week in January. The plan works if you stick with it and stay within the guidelines of the program. Good luck, and I'll have more tips and ideas on the next Medifast Monday!
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