On Getting Back Up

I've had a word dancing on the tip of my tongue the last few days: resilient.

I came across this picture when I was cleaning up some files on my computer this week. It's almost exactly a year ago, and was taken on New Years' Day, 2013. I weigh about 120 pounds more in this picture than I do now.

When I look at the woman in this picture, I don't recognize her. And not just because she looks physically different than me. I don't recognize her because I have become a different version of her. That woman had no idea what was in her. She had no idea how strong and capable she was. That she had it in her to do what a lot of people told her she couldn't. 

I've been knocked down a bit these past few months. Work has been a particularly disappointing type of grueling - exhausting, with no silver lining of success. My confidence has been shook a little bit. I have been feeling like I'm standing on less than solid ground. I'm still not whole after the breakup, and I've had some rather upsetting drama happening within my family as well. It's been a trying few months.

I went off plan for a time, mainly to enjoy the holidays, but also just to be gentle on myself during this time of high stress. I went back on plan a couple weeks ago, and quickly dropped the few pounds I had picked up during my hiatus.

The biggest difference between me and that girl from a year ago, is that I've got some resiliency. This has probably been one of the most challenging times of my life, but I'm facing it. I'm looking it square in the eye, and not drowning it food and sleep. My life isn't perfect, but it's beautiful, and I feel like I'm actually living it now. I have promised that girl from last year that there will be no more half-living, no more just surviving.

My life has taken a different path than the one I had imagined for myself. And while I don't have a clear picture of what a year from today looks like, my hope is that I keep that promise to my old self. She's still in me, and I wouldn't be able to appreciate all that I have now if it hadn't been for her. The one thing we do have in common? Resiliency.

Something has changed within me

Something is not the same

I'm through with playing by the rules

Of some else's game

Too late for second guessing

Too late to go back to sleep

It's time to trust my instincts

Close my eyes and leap!