The Promise of Apprehension

Things are going well. Actually, things are going really well. Now I just need to convince myself to be excited.

I got a promotion at work this week. A big promotion, with a lot of responsibility that goes along with it. I am both excited and incredulous. Do you ever feel like you're just pretending to be an adult? I feel that way at least half of the time. Sometimes, when I look back on my life and the things I wanted when I was a kid, I have no idea how I got here. Is this office really mine? Do I really have all of these grown-up things like a bank account and a car and a person who grooms my eyebrows for me? Sometimes, I feel like I'm out of body and just looking at myself doing adult things. Watch Emily as she grocery shops and drops off the recycling. Observe Emily as she takes a vacation that she planned and booked herself. See Emily in her native habitat, doing laundry and making her lunch.

Where did this girl woman come from? 

The challenge I have is believing that the good things in my life are mine and that they are here because I earned them in some capacity. I consistently struggle to believe that I am worth what I am paid, that it is not just by chance that I have found professional success, love, and the ability to manage a good life. I can't seem to put my finger on why I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

As I continue down this path of losing weight and establishing a healthier life for myself, it feels the same. I don't want to get excited about how much weight I have lost because I am afraid that I will it all come back on the scale and in the way my clothes fit. This fear is justified because it has happened before. It has happened every single time. What I can't help but wonder is if maybe a lot of my previous weight loss failures had to do with my own self-sobotage. Hows does the saying go? Be careful of your thoughts, they become your actions? If I continue to remind myself of my past failures, continue to beat myself up over the fact that I have a pattern for not doing something, maybe that becomes the truth eventually. Maybe at some point, the negative thoughts and self-doubt stop being words in my head and turn into actions.

I worked hard to win the promotion at work. And I am working hard to become healthy. My hard work has led to accomplishments like a higher salary and a slimmer waistline. These things weren't bestowed upon me from a fairy princess, and I don't have any lamps that a genie is going to pop-out of. I have to be my own genie, my own, fairy princess, and if you're a Seinfeld junkie, the master of my own domain.

So this is what I am working on. Believing in myself, as cheesy as it sounds. Reminding myself that I didn't just land here by chance. Remembering that I can do this.

Perspective

I should be more excited about this post. That said, I am really excited about this post. I have lost 15 pounds since starting the Medifast program a couple weeks ago. 15 pounds! I feel good, my energy seems to be up, I'm sleeping well, and not climbing the walls in search of Doritos. I couldn't be more excited. Except that I could be more excited.

I should be more excited because when I stepped on the scale yesterday, I felt a tiny surge of disappointment. Not at the amount of weight I had lost, but what the weight loss means for me in the grand scheme of my overall weight loss dreams. I have a lot of weight to lose. A lot. I can't emphasize it enough. And I know that I this is a small victory for me - to chip off a chunk (pun intended) of a very large number. For that I am grateful, proud of myself, and excited. But it also forces me to look ahead to what I have left.

Part of going on the Medifast plan was to stop all of the counting that I have done on diets in the past. I have counted calories, carbs, fat grams, protein grams, cups, ounces, and teaspoons. I liked Medifast because most of this work is done for me. There is a minimal amount of measuring I have to do, but the plan helps in that I am not obsessing over things like calories and sugar. Some doctor or scientist already figured it all out for me, and now I just have to show up. The counting that I still struggle with is that of how much weight I have lost.

Losing weight as a goal is tricky, because it always involves some form of measurement. There is the measurement of my actual weight, the measurement of my girth in inches, the measurement of how my clothes fit in size, and the measurement of all of this by the inevitable feedback that comes from casual observers. I see the importance in measurement. Motivation is hard to conjure if there is no point of reference, no objective to build upon, no reinforcement to fuel it. Unfortunately, as it relates to weight loss, some kind of measurement is required to keep motivation. I accept this, but I really really really don't like it. Really.

So today, and tomorrow, and the rest of what will probably be forever, I am fighting to find perspective. 15 pounds is awesome, even if all I ever lose for the rest of the my life is this 15 pounds. It means that it's a little easier for me to get up and down stairs. It means that my clothes fit a little better. It means that I'm not exerting as much pressure on my joints as I was two weeks ago. And this is something to be excited for.

One of the challenges I have identified for myself in this endeavor is to celebrate progress, regardless of how small it looks and feels. So I am celebrating this 15 pounds, and all of the 15 pounds to follow. And you know what? 15 pounds feels pretty damn good.

The Skinny on Waiting

I feel a lot of pressure to write an amazing (uh-mazing) first post. Clearly, I'm off to bad start since I've already inserted a parenthetical statement. Hopefully, it only gets better from here.

I'm not new to blogging, but I am new to being completely transparent in a public format, such as a blog. So here goes. My name is Emily. I'm a 30-ish gal who hails from the midwest, but has settled in the great city of Nashville, Tennessee. There is nothing that remarkable or noteworthy about me. My day-to-day is pretty vanilla: corporate gig, small group of great friends, super awesome boyfriend, and a sweet family who I don't see as much as I'd like. My life is nice, and I have very little to complain about.

Despite such a great life, I have always had a singular nag that has caused the most self-doubt, frustration, and heartache for me: my weight. It hasn't seemed to matter what my lot in life, my weight has always followed me, always been a reminder of the thing I wish I was, but can never be. It has gone from something that at one time was just a social nuisance, to something that could be a health risk. It is probably for the latter reason that I decided to make a change.

My goal with this blog is to chronicle my weight loss journey. I don't have a target number of pounds I want to lose, or a pant size that I want to get into. What I do have is a plan for feeling better about myself, a lot of research on how to get there, and the accountability of this blog to help motivate me.

So...about the title. I used to hate the word skinny. In the interest of full disclosure, I have had a sordid past with my weight, food, scales, you name it. I am recovering from a long-term relationship with an eating disorder. I have tried and failed at no fewer than 15 diet programs. I have thrown out countless scales, only to buy a new one six months later. All along the way, hearing the word skinny woven into my endeavors. How much weight have I lost, because I look so skinny. If I just stay on this treadmill for an extra 40 minutes, I will be skinny. If you don't order ranch dressing with your salad, you will get so skinny.

What has changed in me is not my desire to be skinny. What has changed in me is my definition of what skinny is. After battling with myself for almost 20 years, I know I will never be size-two skinny, Adriana Lima skinny, or spin class six days a week skinny. What skinny means for me is finding a weight, size, and state of mind that is comfortable. I am not there yet. I have tried to be one of those girls who embraces her size and deflects all the naysayers. If I did that, I would be lying to myself. I want to be thinner, yes, but I also want to feel good about climbing the stairs, chasing my nephews, and dancing to my favorite songs. To me, feeling good, being able to maintain activity, and also looking good in the mirror, all equate to my definition of skinny.

I hope you have fun with me while I await skinny. I can't promise that I will be great at staying motivated, or eating healthy all the time, or exercising every day. What I can promise is to be honest about the cool stuff I'm doing and the challenges I'm facing. I'm pretty good at spittin' some truth, so truth is what you shall receive.

Deep breath, dive in. Let's await together.