Failing and Finishing

I have been feeling like a failure lately. 

Tonight, I was confiding in my aesthetician while I was having my eyebrows waxed. I told her the story of my breakup, and mentioned that the relationship failed. She gently put her hands on my shoulders and said, "sweetie, it didn't fail. It just finished." She was so sincere and tender with her words. I let the finality of the word - finished - sit in the air a few minutes. Then, I told her she was right.

I have been carrying a lot of guilt and blame around for the way things went down. I don't feel responsible for his actions, but I feel like I should have stopped it. I feel like I let him get away with treating me poorly for a long time. I feel like I allowed him to hurt me. Like I invited it in because I was too scared that if I really said what I wanted, he would leave.

He still ended up leaving. And I know there was nothing I could do. I also am starting to understand that this was not my fault. That it really isn't about placing blame, or assigning failure. I chose to do one thing with my half of our relationship, he chose to do another. 

I am disappointed. And sad. And hurting in a deep place. Alongside those feelings however, is one of curiosity. What path has been opened now that I am not focused on being his girlfriend? Which opportunities will present themselves now that I'm not planning to move to Seattle? Where will life take me now, with new perspective and a better idea of what I need in a partner?

I didn't fail. I tried something, and then I stopped trying that something. This is just one story that has concluded, but there are so many other stories eagerly waiting to be penned.

Failing and finishing aren't the same thing. 

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. - Anais Nin