The Winston Churchill Effect

Full disclosure: this has been a tough week.

Last weekend was his birthday. I had made sure to have plans, to surround myself with friends and errands and hopefully let the day pass without incident. And I felt okay, and not entirely crushed. I didn't spend the entire day wondering what he was doing, and who he was doing it with. At the end of the evening, I left the party I attended feeling strong and settled.

Then Sunday came. And for all the planning and preparation I had done, I was not expecting Sunday.

What I keep being reminded of, is that grief doesn't really follow a certain formula. Just when I think I'm turning a corner, I get knocked down by an emotion I didn't expect. On Sunday, this emotion was sadness. Overwhelming, chest-tightening sadness. I laid in bed for most of the day, watching bad television and eating anything that sounded good.

It's been awhile since I used food to cope. One of the good parts about the healing process is that my appetite has finally returned. The bad part is that for so long I used food to help soothe myself, that I sometimes just don't know what else to do.

I indulged this week, way more than I should have. And I beat myself up for it. But I also wrote about it, ran a 5k, and talked to my friends about it. I'm accepting that as progress.

It's hard to pinpoint how I'm feeling during the tough days. It's hard to tell people what I need from them. I talked to an old friend of my from college earlier in the week, and I had told her about the breakup. She immediately started emailing me helpful quotes and graphics that I think were meant to make me feel better. One quote was from Winston Churchill and read, "If you are going through hell, keep going."

Here's the thing. I'm not really going through hell. I am sad, lonely, and feeling a little lost. But I'm also enjoying my friends. I'm planning a trip to South America later this month. I'm working out, and surpassing fitness goals that I set for myself. I'm Skyping with my nephews. I'm discovering new hobbies, interests, and TV shows to watch en masse. I'm really trying to enjoy spending time with myself, despite the fact that it feels like a piece of me is missing.

All this is to say that I know I'm going to be okay. My closest friends know this, and they know what I need without asking. They know that sometimes I just need to be sad and quiet and be taken care of. And sometimes I need to talk about it and wonder and obsess over every detail. And other times I just need to laugh and not worry about what my future looks like.

I feel a certain sense of accomplishment that I have weathered another tiny storm that is part of the process of healing. I know this isn't the last one, and that the next one might be worse. Where I find comfort is in knowing that I can get through it. It may not be hell, but I'm pushing through, regardless.

Though I never been through hell like that
I've closed enough windows to know you can never look back

If you're lost and alone or sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound of your feet on solid ground
Carry on
Carry on, carry on

But I'd like to think I can cheat it all
To make up for the times I've been cheated on
And it's nice to know when I was left for dead
I was found and now I don't roam these streets
I am not the ghost you are to me