Sitting here, weekend winding down, watching my Tigers struggle to keep their lead against the Red Sox. Feeling good. Feeling grateful.
This weekend was one filled with friends. In spite of all the emptiness and loneliness I feel, I feel equal amounts overwhelmed by the love that has come my way. I am so lucky. So loved.
It's been a month since that day. The day when he told me that he didn't want me in his life any more. The numbness of that conversation has subsided. The loneliness, and the sadness are just starting to blur, but I'm still left with an immense sense of loss. It's through this loss that I have found something even more profound; grace.
I was reminded today that even though I am going through this sad time, I have so much to be happy for, so much to look forward to. So much that I am surrounded by, and so much that I created with hard work.
I imagine where I might be if this had happened a year ago. A year ago today, I was 120 pounds heavier, and I was using food to mourn, celebrate, entertain, and cope. A year ago today, I would laid down on my couch and ordered pizza after pizza until I felt nothing. A year ago today, I would have drown.
I am so lucky that I today I have the ability, and the desire to go for a run. I'm grateful for the cool wind on my face, the steady rhythm of my shoes on the pavement, the thump of my running mix playing in my ears. I'm grateful for the outlet running provides, the clear mindedness I feel afterwards.
I imagine where I might be if this happened 10 years ago, around the time the I moved to Nashville. I was not in a great place with my family, and had no real friends to speak of. I spent most nights alone, most weekends driving around with nothing to do. 10 years ago today, I would have folded in on myself. 10 years ago today, I would have suffered in silence.
I am so lucky that I have an amazing set of friends here. That not only do my friends not mind me leaning on them, but they have encouraged it. That I've been able to bond with my mom, and that my brothers have been sweet and supportive. I am grateful for the advice, encouragement, free dinners and drinks that they have provided. I am so grateful for the care I have received.
I have a loving family. I have supportive friends. I have a job that allows me to go places I want to go and do things I want to do. I have a warm house, a car that runs, and a fully stocked kitchen. My bed is comfortable, my shower warm, my clothes new. I am so lucky.
“Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance.” - Eckhart Tolle
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
It Doesn't Matter
My days are getting easier to manage. Laughter comes a little more quickly, sleep a little less elusive, and I’m starting to feel a little normal again. A little.
My head is still a scary place. I turn and turn and turn my thoughts like a load of laundry on the gentle cycle. Each rotation seemingly stretching into the next, with no real resolution. My thoughts mainly mulling over the “why” of all of this. I don’t consider myself to be a naïve person. I understand that when we allow people into our lives, we ultimately give them permission to do with us what they wish. We hope that they treat this privilege with tender thoughtfulness, but we assume the risk that we might be treated poorly and with carelessness. I know this. And I knew who he was before we started dating. I didn’t go into this relationship with grand illusions of getting married and settling down in the country with a dog. My expectations were that he would be authentic and treat my heart with care. That he would be honest and loyal to me, regardless of how long we were together.
Honesty and loyalty are not qualities that he possesses. We wasn’t careful with me, or considerate of my emotions. He was selfish and insecure and nearly every action that he made was based on those two characteristics. And the unfortunate part is that he waited until the end of our relationship to show me who he really was. I recently read an article by a relationship expert on being with someone you don’t really know. It reminded me that as I continue to mull over why he would do this, and how I could have missed him being so terrible, inconsiderate, and narcissistic, I have realized that it doesn’t matter.
It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t fucking matter.
His reasons for why he acts the way he does don’t matter. The fact that he hasn’t dealt with some pretty deep-seeded demons from his past, the fact that he has no familial structure to speak of, the fact that he is incapable of looking out for anyone aside from those who benefit him in the immediate doesn’t matter. I don’t have to figure out why he treated me the way he did. I don’t have to worry that he is sweeping major issues under the rug. I don’t have to wonder if he will call again. Because now, I see him. The costume is off, his true identity revealed. This is who he is and I am lucky that I will probably never see him again.
It doesn’t matter.
Of course, this resolve comes and goes, but deep down I know it’s true. The fortunate part for me is that now I get to heal and address why I allowed myself to stay with someone who so undervalued me. I get to pick a new story, and find a path that doesn’t leave me in knots.
Some of this comes from a place of anger. After weeks of feeling sad for myself, and worried that he was doing okay, I am finally feeling anger. But I also believe that this anger has given me some clarity that my previous sadness couldn't help me see. So for now, there is only one thing I'm holding onto.
It doesn't matter.
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Your Boyfriend's Birthday
I received an email reminder today, with the subject line titled, "Your Boyfriend's Birthday." It was reminding me that I had made reservations for his birthday, coming up in a few weeks. I had forgotten about the plans I had put in place, the special evening I was looking forward to sharing with him.
As I canceled our plans, it dawned on me that this would be his first birthday in seven years that we weren't celebrating. Over the last six years, I had spent every October mulling over ideas for gifts and special birthday surprises. I genuinely enjoyed cooking his birthday dinner, making travel plans, and wrapping his gift in anticipation.
We had created years and years worth of traditions around holidays, birthdays, even vacations to our favorite places. I know this year will be challenging; each milestone without him a reminder of what I thought we were going to share for a long time. What I try to remind myself of, is that this is a unique opportunity for me to create new memories that have nothing to do with him. That I can have other exciting experiences to associate with these times of the year.
I spent the majority of this weekend with friends, doing activities typically outside of my comfort zone. I'm normally nervous to meet new groups of people, but I went in with the intent to give a friendly smile and warm conversation to every person I met. And I had a great time. I made some new friends, met lots of new people, and even had a long, flirtatious conversation with an old schoolmate of my friend's husband. It confirmed for me that eventually I will be ready to get to know someone new. It also reminded me how nice it is to get a warm hug from yummy-smelling man.
This weekend also reinforced my desire to create new memories for special dates coming up over the next year. I'm really looking forward to traveling to new places, making new friends, and creating new traditions.
Today, I feel hopeful. And that is a great feeling.
I've been afraid of changing
Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older, too.
As I canceled our plans, it dawned on me that this would be his first birthday in seven years that we weren't celebrating. Over the last six years, I had spent every October mulling over ideas for gifts and special birthday surprises. I genuinely enjoyed cooking his birthday dinner, making travel plans, and wrapping his gift in anticipation.
We had created years and years worth of traditions around holidays, birthdays, even vacations to our favorite places. I know this year will be challenging; each milestone without him a reminder of what I thought we were going to share for a long time. What I try to remind myself of, is that this is a unique opportunity for me to create new memories that have nothing to do with him. That I can have other exciting experiences to associate with these times of the year.
I spent the majority of this weekend with friends, doing activities typically outside of my comfort zone. I'm normally nervous to meet new groups of people, but I went in with the intent to give a friendly smile and warm conversation to every person I met. And I had a great time. I made some new friends, met lots of new people, and even had a long, flirtatious conversation with an old schoolmate of my friend's husband. It confirmed for me that eventually I will be ready to get to know someone new. It also reminded me how nice it is to get a warm hug from yummy-smelling man.
This weekend also reinforced my desire to create new memories for special dates coming up over the next year. I'm really looking forward to traveling to new places, making new friends, and creating new traditions.
Today, I feel hopeful. And that is a great feeling.
I've been afraid of changing
Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older, too.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
The Feel
I have felt really uncomfortable lately. Not in a way that I can necessarily pinpoint, more in an anxious, about to jump out of my skin kind of way. I was talking to my therapist about it this afternoon, and she suggested that maybe this is the first time I have really allowed myself to feel a strong emotion.
I sat for a minute with that statement. Feeling for the first time? How could that be? I'm 32 years old, how could it be that I have never really felt emotion?
Then I realized she was right. I have spent all of my adult life self-medicating, usually with food. If this had happened 10 years ago, I would be face-down on the couch, intermittently stuffing my face with whatever sounded appealing at the time. I always had food, or the comfort of bulimia to placate me in the past. I didn't have to feel anything, because I could just use food, booze, or purging to mask anything that felt this raw or real.
For the first time in as long as I can remember, I am feeling real emotional pain. And I'm not masking it. I'm sitting with it, paying attention to it, addressing it. It's not fun or easy. It hurts to the point where I feel it physically. But it's there, and it's evidence that I have finally addressed something inside myself. I think there was a part of me that was afraid before, afraid that what I felt was too dark and scary and that I would never recover from it. As scary and uncharted a place as I am in now, I know I'm going to be okay. It might take me a long time to get to okay, but I know it's there.
I'm trying to grasp on to moments like this, because my bad days are still outnumbering my good days. It feels precious to have these moments of clarity. I know one day the clear days will outnumber the fuzzy ones, but for now I'm here, in the feel.
I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
I guess I should've let you win
Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me
I sat for a minute with that statement. Feeling for the first time? How could that be? I'm 32 years old, how could it be that I have never really felt emotion?
Then I realized she was right. I have spent all of my adult life self-medicating, usually with food. If this had happened 10 years ago, I would be face-down on the couch, intermittently stuffing my face with whatever sounded appealing at the time. I always had food, or the comfort of bulimia to placate me in the past. I didn't have to feel anything, because I could just use food, booze, or purging to mask anything that felt this raw or real.
For the first time in as long as I can remember, I am feeling real emotional pain. And I'm not masking it. I'm sitting with it, paying attention to it, addressing it. It's not fun or easy. It hurts to the point where I feel it physically. But it's there, and it's evidence that I have finally addressed something inside myself. I think there was a part of me that was afraid before, afraid that what I felt was too dark and scary and that I would never recover from it. As scary and uncharted a place as I am in now, I know I'm going to be okay. It might take me a long time to get to okay, but I know it's there.
I'm trying to grasp on to moments like this, because my bad days are still outnumbering my good days. It feels precious to have these moments of clarity. I know one day the clear days will outnumber the fuzzy ones, but for now I'm here, in the feel.
I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
I guess I should've let you win
Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me
Monday, September 30, 2013
Five Minutes
Five minutes. Five minutes was at it took for him to yank the ground out from under me, and just leave me lying there.
It was a five minute conversation to end a six-year long love, friendship, and partnership. We had been separated by a couple thousand miles since the beginning of the year, but I thought we were doing okay. I had made plans to join him on the west coast, and even had my ticket in hand for an upcoming visit. None of that will happen now.
This isn't a story with a lot of layers. This is a story where he has always been the main character; me, the ever-supporting actress. I followed his lead, all the way to end.
It took five minutes for him to explain that he didn't want to be with me. That he'd made a drunken mistake out of what was seemingly the hopes of sabotaging our relationship. It took five minutes to tell me that I wasn't worth fighting for, that he had made this decision on his own, that I was disposable and inconsequential. Those five minutes showed me exactly how little he thought of me, how little he respected me, and how easily I could be dismissed.
And now I'm left with what feels like a million five minutes. Nothing but time stretched out in front of me. Time to think, wonder, and agonize over what happened. I wonder if he is feeling what I am feeling. I wonder if he wakes up feeling like the pain is going to crush him. I wonder if when he finally is able to sleep, he dreams of me in snippets that provide no clarity or relief. I wonder if he's lost his appetite. I wonder if he feels all the time on edge, with no amount of exercise or social time enough to let out everything that is coursing through him. I wonder if he replays my words in his head the way I do his. "I love you, but..." and "this is it," over and over on repeat. I wonder if he is constantly reminded of me; every movie preview, every shot of our favorite city, every inside joke, and every reference to a future that we were supposed to share.
I know that it's still so new and raw and sad. I know that it won't always be this way. What I don't know is what the new version of me looks like.
No one is telling me
you just wont talk to me
tell me what all this is for
if you used to see in me
something you could believe
know that this is worth fighting for
There's a boy on the coast
yeah, I think of him now
I wonder what did I do
and I thought we were fine
standing right where we should
and, I'm sorry
don't trust me with anything good
Oh love, this is the part where you go
and I fall to my knees on the floor
and now maybe I'm wasting my time
but, I'll be the bad guy
- Meghan Tonjes
It was a five minute conversation to end a six-year long love, friendship, and partnership. We had been separated by a couple thousand miles since the beginning of the year, but I thought we were doing okay. I had made plans to join him on the west coast, and even had my ticket in hand for an upcoming visit. None of that will happen now.
This isn't a story with a lot of layers. This is a story where he has always been the main character; me, the ever-supporting actress. I followed his lead, all the way to end.
It took five minutes for him to explain that he didn't want to be with me. That he'd made a drunken mistake out of what was seemingly the hopes of sabotaging our relationship. It took five minutes to tell me that I wasn't worth fighting for, that he had made this decision on his own, that I was disposable and inconsequential. Those five minutes showed me exactly how little he thought of me, how little he respected me, and how easily I could be dismissed.
And now I'm left with what feels like a million five minutes. Nothing but time stretched out in front of me. Time to think, wonder, and agonize over what happened. I wonder if he is feeling what I am feeling. I wonder if he wakes up feeling like the pain is going to crush him. I wonder if when he finally is able to sleep, he dreams of me in snippets that provide no clarity or relief. I wonder if he's lost his appetite. I wonder if he feels all the time on edge, with no amount of exercise or social time enough to let out everything that is coursing through him. I wonder if he replays my words in his head the way I do his. "I love you, but..." and "this is it," over and over on repeat. I wonder if he is constantly reminded of me; every movie preview, every shot of our favorite city, every inside joke, and every reference to a future that we were supposed to share.
I know that it's still so new and raw and sad. I know that it won't always be this way. What I don't know is what the new version of me looks like.
No one is telling me
you just wont talk to me
tell me what all this is for
if you used to see in me
something you could believe
know that this is worth fighting for
There's a boy on the coast
yeah, I think of him now
I wonder what did I do
and I thought we were fine
standing right where we should
and, I'm sorry
don't trust me with anything good
Oh love, this is the part where you go
and I fall to my knees on the floor
and now maybe I'm wasting my time
but, I'll be the bad guy
- Meghan Tonjes
Monday, August 5, 2013
Medifast Mondays: Smoothie Review
Welcome to the first installment of Medifast Mondays! If this is your first time to my blog, check out the About Me and Medifast pages for more details on my journey.
I was super excited to try the Medifast smoothies. That's not true. I wasn't really excited at all. I'm not much of a smoothie kinda gal. I would prefer a glass of juice or a bowl of ice cream. Not some weird combination of both.
However, since starting the Medifast program, I have been craving fruit. This is definitely a good problem to have, and Medifast offers a few "fruity" options to get you over the hump. I thought I would try the smoothies to see if they satisfied my cravings.
There are two smoothie flavors: Pineapple Mango and Triple Berry. I was intrigued by the Pineapple Mango as I love tart foods, and thought this would be yummy.
The consensus: I thought both flavors were so-so. I probably won't order again. I did only order one packet of each, so I didn't have my room to play. I blended the Pineapple Mango smoothie with ice, and liked it better than the Triple Berry smoothie, which I only blended with water. Both flavors had a weird diet-y after taste, and neither had the fruity punch I was looking for. I did like that there were actual bits of fruit in each.
I think I'll save these for a rainy day. I have seen some reviews where the smoothies were made into popsicles, or blended with Greek yogurt. These may make a difference!
Enjoy!
I was super excited to try the Medifast smoothies. That's not true. I wasn't really excited at all. I'm not much of a smoothie kinda gal. I would prefer a glass of juice or a bowl of ice cream. Not some weird combination of both.
However, since starting the Medifast program, I have been craving fruit. This is definitely a good problem to have, and Medifast offers a few "fruity" options to get you over the hump. I thought I would try the smoothies to see if they satisfied my cravings.
There are two smoothie flavors: Pineapple Mango and Triple Berry. I was intrigued by the Pineapple Mango as I love tart foods, and thought this would be yummy.
The consensus: I thought both flavors were so-so. I probably won't order again. I did only order one packet of each, so I didn't have my room to play. I blended the Pineapple Mango smoothie with ice, and liked it better than the Triple Berry smoothie, which I only blended with water. Both flavors had a weird diet-y after taste, and neither had the fruity punch I was looking for. I did like that there were actual bits of fruit in each.
I think I'll save these for a rainy day. I have seen some reviews where the smoothies were made into popsicles, or blended with Greek yogurt. These may make a difference!
Enjoy!
Friday, August 2, 2013
Fitbit Flex 90-day Review
Happy VEDA (Vlog Every Day in August) month, friends! Feel free to check out my vlog on the Fibit, as well as the weird face I'm making here:
I have been using the Flex for about three months now, and am still incredibly satisfied with its performance. The band is comfortable, and I don't even notice it anymore. Both the iPhone and Android apps are easy to use intuitive as well. You couldn't see the screens very well in my video, so I've added some screen captures below for each system type.
iPhone App:
Android:
What I like the best is how consistent the tracking device is. It does a great job of accurately measuring the steps I take in a day. I also like that dashboard and apps display my most active periods of time. The device has helped me accomplish what I set out to do: better monitor my physical activity. Although the actual tracking is limited to walking or running, other activity types can be entered using the apps and dashboard.
Enjoy!
I have been using the Flex for about three months now, and am still incredibly satisfied with its performance. The band is comfortable, and I don't even notice it anymore. Both the iPhone and Android apps are easy to use intuitive as well. You couldn't see the screens very well in my video, so I've added some screen captures below for each system type.
iPhone App:
Android:
What I like the best is how consistent the tracking device is. It does a great job of accurately measuring the steps I take in a day. I also like that dashboard and apps display my most active periods of time. The device has helped me accomplish what I set out to do: better monitor my physical activity. Although the actual tracking is limited to walking or running, other activity types can be entered using the apps and dashboard.
Enjoy!
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