It Doesn't Matter

My days are getting easier to manage. Laughter comes a little more quickly, sleep a little less elusive, and I’m starting to feel a little normal again. A little.

My head is still a scary place. I turn and turn and turn my thoughts like a load of laundry on the gentle cycle. Each rotation seemingly stretching into the next, with no real resolution. My thoughts mainly mulling over the “why” of all of this. I don’t consider myself to be a naïve person. I understand that when we allow people into our lives, we ultimately give them permission to do with us what they wish. We hope that they treat this privilege with tender thoughtfulness, but we assume the risk that we might be treated poorly and with carelessness. I know this. And I knew who he was before we started dating. I didn’t go into this relationship with grand illusions of getting married and settling down in the country with a dog. My expectations were that he would be authentic and treat my heart with care. That he would be honest and loyal to me, regardless of how long we were together.

Honesty and loyalty are not qualities that he possesses. We wasn’t careful with me, or considerate of my emotions. He was selfish and insecure and nearly every action that he made was based on those two characteristics. And the unfortunate part is that he waited until the end of our relationship to show me who he really was. I recently read an article by a relationship expert on being with someone you don’t really know. It reminded me that as I continue to mull over why he would do this, and how I could have missed him being so terrible, inconsiderate, and narcissistic, I have realized that it doesn’t matter.

It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t fucking matter.

His reasons for why he acts the way he does don’t matter. The fact that he hasn’t dealt with some pretty deep-seeded demons from his past, the fact that he has no familial structure to speak of, the fact that he is incapable of looking out for anyone aside from those who benefit him in the immediate doesn’t matter. I don’t have to figure out why he treated me the way he did. I don’t have to worry that he is sweeping major issues under the rug. I don’t have to wonder if he will call again. Because now, I see him. The costume is off, his true identity revealed. This is who he is and I am lucky that I will probably never see him again.

It doesn’t matter.

Of course, this resolve comes and goes, but deep down I know it’s true. The fortunate part for me is that now I get to heal and address why I allowed myself to stay with someone who so undervalued me. I get to pick a new story, and find a path that doesn’t leave me in knots.

Some of this comes from a place of anger. After weeks of feeling sad for myself, and worried that he was doing okay, I am finally feeling anger. But I also believe that this anger has given me some clarity that my previous sadness couldn't help me see. So for now, there is only one thing I'm holding onto. 

It doesn't matter.

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't 
You can't make your heart feel something it won't 
Here in the dark, in these final hours 
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power 
But you won't, no you won't 
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't