That Friday Feeling

It's been a sort of strange week for me emotionally. I have really dug into my grief work, which means a lot of reflecting on him and our relationship. Reflection is tough stuff, and not just because it serves as a reminder of all the not so good things that happened in our relationship. It's also a reminder of all the awesome stuff we did together. Being alone is scary, but right alongside the fear I feel, I feel equal amounts of hope. There is something about the prospect of creating new memories, visiting new places, and experiencing something with someone new that is so...refreshing.

As I go into this weekend, feeling so hopeful, I can't help but have this song on replay in my mind. Now more than ever, I feel so incredibly brave.



And since your history of silence
Won't do you any good
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don't you tell them the truth?

Medifast Mondays (on Thursday): On Rapid Weight Loss

I am a little late with this, so I hope you will forgive me for doing a Medifast Mondays installment on a Thursday..

Rapid weight loss is a strange, socially awkward change. I have lost over 120 pounds in the last nine months, and plan to lose another 20 or so before I transition off the Medifast program. My appearance has changed pretty significantly over the past year, which means that I get a lot of unsolicited comments from family, friends, and coworkers. Hearing people comment on my appearance is a weird thing. Don’t get me wrong; it is always nice to hear encouraging words, or have someone tell me how great I look. It is the in between comments that are sometimes hard to take.

For the most part, I have received a lot of support, especially from my close friends and family. The people in my life closest to me understand the struggles I have had with my weight, and understand what a big deal this has been for me. I recognize though, that a lot of people I come in contact with have no idea what to say. I also have to recognize that because I have lost a lot of weight, it is a bit startling to someone who has not seen me in a long time. That said, I struggle sometimes with feedback that I get.

Commentary from outsiders falls into a couple categories. There are the people who gush, and can’t say enough complimentary and flattering things to me. I love hearing these things, but I do feel a bit self-conscious being the center of attention and having my appearance be the focus of every conversation. This is especially tough at work. There are some days when I just wish my weight was not a major topic for discussion. I also get a lot of cautionary comments. “You look great, but don’t get too skinny!” and “be careful, you’re wasting away.” These comments usually come from men, who I think in their efforts to be sensitive to the way women view weight loss, end up saying all kinds of weird things. I also get the skeptics. The ones who initially give a compliment, but then follow-up and ask what I am doing. When I tell them the truth, that I am following a very regimented diet and exercising six days a week, they usually sort of raise their eyebrows and offer a reluctant “good job.” I do get a fair amount of judgment from those who don’t approve of how quickly I have lost the weight, and are quick to tell me that slow and steady is better.

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful; this is definitely me being in my own head and not knowing how to field positive attention. My weight has always been a thing for me, always top of mind. And even though the parameters have shifted, my weight remains this thing. I was thinking of this in the context of the work I am doing around my breakup and setting boundaries. I am really bad at setting boundaries. I am even worse at holding people accountable to the boundaries I have set. In thinking about boundaries as it relates to weight loss, I have decided to set some parameters about how I react to comments, and what I am willing to share with people who are outside of my inner circle.

1.        I don’t owe anyone an explanation of what I have done to lose weight. I do not have to feel obligated to share the steps I have taken to get a healthy lifestyle. It is my choice how much or how little I disclose to those who ask, and I do not have to feel bad if the answer is not satisfactory.
2.       “Thank you” is a perfectly appropriate response to a compliment. I don’t have to make light of the weight loss, but I also don’t have to indulge others in their fascination.
3.       I am still a human being, attached to the body that everyone is commenting on. It is perfectly okay for me to feel self-conscious, and to excuse myself from a conversation if I feel uncomfortable.

Setting these boundaries has helped me immensely. I feel less guilty about acknowledging what I have done to lose weight. I feel less obligated to provide an overview of how I feel, and how much I have lost to every person who asks. I feel a little less self-conscious, and a little more comfortable in my skin. I know that it time, this will stop being an issue. As I reach my goal weight, and keep the weight off, it will stop being such a thing. It is really refreshing to think that I will meet people in the future who only know me the way I am now. I am so excited for that day.

Brunch, Autumn Days, and Booty Dancing: A Guide to Breaking Up

I have Sunday evening blues after coming off a great weekend. Nothing extraordinary, but there is something about crisp fall days that make the world seem a little brighter and little more clear.

I conquered a big hurdle today: going to the movies alone. Movies had kind of been "our thing," while we were dating. Before he left for Seattle, we used to go every Saturday to a matinee. We'd usually see the latest and greatest release and I would sit in the dark next to him, just happy to be sharing something. After he left, we still saw movies at the same time, and I always looked forward to reviewing the movie with him when we talked. Movies have always been an escape for me, so it bugged me that I was having trouble enjoying one since our breakup.

I've only seen a couple movies since our breakup, and they've all been with groups of people. I made plans several weekends in a row to go see a matinee, but just couldn't bring myself to do it. I had brunch with a friend today, and left feeling so good that I decided to go to the next showing of Gravity. I felt such relief in burrowing down in seat, just enjoying the anonymity of being alone in the dark. Despite being a seemingly small hurdle, it felt really big do this. On my own. Just me.

A friend sent me this article earlier in the week. I know Thought Catalog isn't considered to be the philosopher's favorite, but I thought it was insightful while still being cheeky. I also considered what advice I would give someone going through what I am experiencing. I am over a month out of this relationship, and feel like I am right where I am supposed to be. So here it is, my very own thought catalog of getting over it suggestions.

1. Don't try to rush the healing process. Breaking-up with some one is experiencing a loss, even though that person is still alive. It's normal to feel sad, angry, helpless, and lonely. It's normal to want him or her to call. It's normal to feel relief, or blame, or regret. Allow yourself to feel these feelings without judgement.

2. No contact. A couple weeks after the five minute breakup conversation we had, I communicated with my ex out of what I felt was necessity. I needed to close the chapter, even if he wasn't willing to give me the answers I needed. After that, I cut off all contact. I turned off my social media pages, blocked him from Twitter, email, and chat. I deleted his contact information from my phone so I wouldn't be tempted to text him. It sucks, but it sucks a lot less than knowing what he's up to, seeing him with the woman he kissed, watching him live his life without me. Once I feel a bit stronger, I think I'll be able to access social media without feeling the need to look him up.

3. Journal. I know writing about feelings sounds totally cliche. Maybe it is. But I do think there is something to be said about sharing feelings with a totally unbiased thing. While I do blog here, I keep a journal that is much more intimate and is where I work out my feelings of grief.

4. Talk about it. I am guilty of holding feelings in, repressing bad thoughts. I know not everyone has a great support system, but do what you can to find an outlet for your pain. I see a therapist, and I have also found great support from friends and family. There are even a lot of great online resources if you don't have a great support system. What I have found is that I don't have to carry this alone, and supportive friends and family usually have great advice and insight.

5. Get away. When my ex ended things with me, it was just a few days before I was supposed to visit him on the west coast. I knew that staying at home during that time would likely bring me down, so I visited some friends on the east coast instead. I know it's not always possible to plan a vacation, but even a night away can help clear the mind.

6. Dance, sing, and act silly. Seriously. It's going to feel weird to do these things when you don't feel like being happy. I remember that first week, I couldn't listen to any music or watch anything on TV. The sound grated my nerves, I didn't want to be cheered up. I had taken a trip with some friends the following weekend, and we were driving along the beach when a really stupid pop song came on the radio. I turned up the radio, opened the sun roof, and we all sang our lungs out. It felt forced, sure, but I couldn't help but feel sunnier afterwards.

7. Exercise. If you already have an exercise program in place, great. If not, try getting in some movement every day. I cannot express how much this has helped me. Exercise is an outlet for the pent up anxiety I have coursing through my veins. It allows me to channel my anger and sadness in a physical way. It also helps me sleep, which is something that I still haven't been able to regulate since we broke up.

8. Cultivate a new hobby. I found that it was important to me to have something of my own, something that was part of my new life without him. I signed-up for an online Spanish class, and now I spend my Tuesday nights learning and speaking Spanish. Not only am I enjoying a new hobby, I'm also learning something that can help me in the long run.

Look, I'm no expert at this. Days like today, I feel great. I feel certain that I will be okay, that I will move on, and that I am building the skills I need to find a mate that treats me the way I deserve to be treated. Other days, I just want to stay in bed and lose myself in my grief. I do know that the scale is tipping, and that good days are becoming more the norm for me. Let's hope the trend continues.

I don't understand
Why do I stress the man
When there's so many bigger things at hand
We could've never had it all
We had to hit a wall
So this inevitable withdrawal
Even if I start wanting you
A perspective pushes true
I'll be some other man's woman soon

Red

For the past few weeks, my feelings have mostly been some variance of sadness. I’ve mourned the loss of him, worried about him, cried over the things we’ll never do again together, etc. etc. Just generally felt morose and down.

Those feelings started to change this week, as anger surfaced and slapped me in the face. Hard. Hot, seeping, seething anger. No sadness, no questioning, no longing. Just pure anger and all its friends: spite, irritation, fury, and outrage. I can feel it coursing through my veins – I feel physically charged by it. Unable to sit still, unable to find an outlet.

My anger falls in layers on my shoulders and circles around in my mind. He was not the person I thought he was. He lied to me, convinced me that he was someone else. He made me question my judgment, my ability to see things for what they were. He used me, manipulated me. He broke my heart like it was nothing. He took six years of my life, sucked the good things out of me and left me with this pile of uncertainty. He took the city that I was so excited to explore with him and made sure I would never want to be there again. He took something that I held so sacred and made it into a joke.

He was lazy. He didn’t put in any effort, any work to make sure I felt like a priority. He cheated, he lied, he was disloyal. He made me look like a fool in front of people I had to look in the eye. He didn’t care. He was selfish, always on his own side, always there for himself. I was secondary, an afterthought to the very end. He was exactly the type of guy he liked to bash. The bad boy, the careless heart breaker.

As much anger as I have piled up around me and directed towards him, I have an abundance that flies right back in my face. I let him do this. He showed me very early on how capable he was of hurting me, how dirty he could get. I believed that he wanted to change, despite all evidence of the contrary. I let his secret-keeping and manipulations get swept under the rug. I believed his tears, and his words. I ignored his actions when they didn’t align with what he was telling me. I believed him because I was scared that if I didn’t, he would leave.

I never told him what I needed, what I wanted until the very end. And he left. Because in the end he didn’t want to be the one for me. He made a choice, despite whatever he has told himself. He made a choice, and the choice was to chase something new and shiny that made him feel good. He took out his insecurities, his need for constant validation on me. When he had something better, he moved on. And I should have known better. I used to be his something better. Until I wasn’t.

Dealing with sadness is one thing; dealing with anger is another thing all together. What I’m not doing is trying to stuff the anger down inside me and pretending that it’s not there. I’m not masking the anger with hours of TV and plates of Chinese food. I’m letting myself feel it, even though it makes me want to jump out of my skin. I use it. I let it fuel my punches against the boxing bag. I run into it, let it carry me down the sidewalk. I write about it. I talk about it. I acknowledge it, and do my best not to feed it.

I know this is necessary. I know it’s part of the grieving process. I know I have to feel it if I ever expect to heal. I know I won’t always feel this way towards him, at least I hope I won’t. I know in the end this will just be one of those things that happened in my life.

Trying to apologize, you’re so ugly when you cry

Please, just cut it out

And don’t tell me you’re sorry cuz you’re not

Baby, when I know you’re only sorry you got caught

You put on quite a show, really had me going

Not it’s time to go, curtains finally closing

That was quite a show, very entertaining

But it’s over now

Go on a take a bow

But it’s over now…

Medifast Monday: Blueberry Muffin Review

I thought it might be a nice departure from talking about the dregs of my breakup, and talk about something relevant to this blog. So, without further adieu, I am bringing back Medifast Mondays. This week's installment? A review of the new Blueberry Muffin meal!

As I've mentioned before, fruit is one of the foods I have missed since being on the Medifast plan. I'm not the biggest fan of blueberries, but I thought I'd give the new muffin a try. While it didn't taste like a homemade blueberry muffin, it was pretty tasty.

First off, I followed the instructions exactly as listed on the packet. It's the typical Medifast guidelines; mix with water and then cook in the microwave. The muffins come with a little cardboard tray, similar to the trays included with the brownies. The finished product came out perfectly.

The flavor is not bad. The mix includes actual blueberries, and a fairly generous amount at that. The berries are pretty juicy once the muffin is cooked. There is some of that fake-y aftertaste that is typical with the Medifast meals, but it's still not too bad. I could tell that artificial flavoring had been added, but it wasn't offensive.

I'll definitely be adding these to my regular rotation. It's a nice breakfast food that cooks pretty quickly and can be eaten on the go. I would recommend trying a packet in your next order.

Affirmation

Sitting here, weekend winding down, watching my Tigers struggle to keep their lead against the Red Sox. Feeling good. Feeling grateful.

This weekend was one filled with friends. In spite of all the emptiness and loneliness I feel, I feel equal amounts overwhelmed by the love that has come my way. I am so lucky. So loved.

It's been a month since that day. The day when he told me that he didn't want me in his life any more. The numbness of that conversation has subsided. The loneliness, and the sadness are just starting to blur, but I'm still left with an immense sense of loss. It's through this loss that I have found something even more profound; grace.

I was reminded today that even though I am going through this sad time, I have so much to be happy for, so much to look forward to. So much that I am surrounded by, and so much that I created with hard work.

I imagine where I might be if this had happened a year ago. A year ago today, I was 120 pounds heavier, and I was using food to mourn, celebrate, entertain, and cope. A year ago today, I would laid down on my couch and ordered pizza after pizza until I felt nothing. A year ago today, I would have drown.

I am so lucky that I today I have the ability, and the desire to go for a run. I'm grateful for the cool wind on my face, the steady rhythm of my shoes on the pavement, the thump of my running mix playing in my ears. I'm grateful for the outlet running provides, the clear mindedness I feel afterwards.

I imagine where I might be if this happened 10 years ago, around the time the I moved to Nashville. I was not in a great place with my family, and had no real friends to speak of. I spent most nights alone, most weekends driving around with nothing to do. 10 years ago today, I would have folded in on myself. 10 years ago today, I would have suffered in silence.

I am so lucky that I have an amazing set of friends here. That not only do my friends not mind me leaning on them, but they have encouraged it. That I've been able to bond with my mom, and that my brothers have been sweet and supportive. I am grateful for the advice, encouragement, free dinners and drinks that they have provided. I am so grateful for the care I have received.

I have a loving family. I have supportive friends. I have a job that allows me to go places I want to go and do things I want to do. I have a warm house, a car that runs, and a fully stocked kitchen. My bed is comfortable, my shower warm, my clothes new. I am so lucky.

“Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance.”  - Eckhart Tolle

It Doesn't Matter

My days are getting easier to manage. Laughter comes a little more quickly, sleep a little less elusive, and I’m starting to feel a little normal again. A little.

My head is still a scary place. I turn and turn and turn my thoughts like a load of laundry on the gentle cycle. Each rotation seemingly stretching into the next, with no real resolution. My thoughts mainly mulling over the “why” of all of this. I don’t consider myself to be a naïve person. I understand that when we allow people into our lives, we ultimately give them permission to do with us what they wish. We hope that they treat this privilege with tender thoughtfulness, but we assume the risk that we might be treated poorly and with carelessness. I know this. And I knew who he was before we started dating. I didn’t go into this relationship with grand illusions of getting married and settling down in the country with a dog. My expectations were that he would be authentic and treat my heart with care. That he would be honest and loyal to me, regardless of how long we were together.

Honesty and loyalty are not qualities that he possesses. We wasn’t careful with me, or considerate of my emotions. He was selfish and insecure and nearly every action that he made was based on those two characteristics. And the unfortunate part is that he waited until the end of our relationship to show me who he really was. I recently read an article by a relationship expert on being with someone you don’t really know. It reminded me that as I continue to mull over why he would do this, and how I could have missed him being so terrible, inconsiderate, and narcissistic, I have realized that it doesn’t matter.

It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t fucking matter.

His reasons for why he acts the way he does don’t matter. The fact that he hasn’t dealt with some pretty deep-seeded demons from his past, the fact that he has no familial structure to speak of, the fact that he is incapable of looking out for anyone aside from those who benefit him in the immediate doesn’t matter. I don’t have to figure out why he treated me the way he did. I don’t have to worry that he is sweeping major issues under the rug. I don’t have to wonder if he will call again. Because now, I see him. The costume is off, his true identity revealed. This is who he is and I am lucky that I will probably never see him again.

It doesn’t matter.

Of course, this resolve comes and goes, but deep down I know it’s true. The fortunate part for me is that now I get to heal and address why I allowed myself to stay with someone who so undervalued me. I get to pick a new story, and find a path that doesn’t leave me in knots.

Some of this comes from a place of anger. After weeks of feeling sad for myself, and worried that he was doing okay, I am finally feeling anger. But I also believe that this anger has given me some clarity that my previous sadness couldn't help me see. So for now, there is only one thing I'm holding onto. 

It doesn't matter.

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't 
You can't make your heart feel something it won't 
Here in the dark, in these final hours 
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power 
But you won't, no you won't 
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't 

Your Boyfriend's Birthday

I received an email reminder today, with the subject line titled, "Your Boyfriend's Birthday." It was reminding me that I had made reservations for his birthday, coming up in a few weeks. I had forgotten about the plans I had put in place, the special evening I was looking forward to sharing with him.

As I canceled our plans, it dawned on me that this would be his first birthday in seven years that we weren't celebrating. Over the last six years, I had spent every October mulling over ideas for gifts and special birthday surprises. I genuinely enjoyed cooking his birthday dinner, making travel plans, and wrapping his gift in anticipation.

We had created years and years worth of traditions around holidays, birthdays, even vacations to our favorite places. I know this year will be challenging; each milestone without him a reminder of what I thought we were going to share for a long time. What I try to remind myself of, is that this is a unique opportunity for me to create new memories that have nothing to do with him. That I can have other exciting experiences to associate with these times of the year.

I spent the majority of this weekend with friends, doing activities typically outside of my comfort zone. I'm normally nervous to meet new groups of people, but I went in with the intent to give a friendly smile and warm conversation to every person I met. And I had a great time. I made some new friends, met lots of new people, and even had a long, flirtatious conversation with an old schoolmate of my friend's husband. It confirmed for me that eventually I will be ready to get to know someone new. It also reminded me how nice it is to get a warm hug from yummy-smelling man.

This weekend also reinforced my desire to create new memories for special dates coming up over the next year. I'm really looking forward to traveling to new places, making new friends, and creating new traditions.

Today, I feel hopeful. And that is a great feeling.

I've been afraid of changing
Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older, too.

The Feel

I have felt really uncomfortable lately. Not in a way that I can necessarily pinpoint, more in an anxious, about to jump out of my skin kind of way. I was talking to my therapist about it this afternoon, and she suggested that maybe this is the first time I have really allowed myself to feel a strong emotion.

I sat for a minute with that statement. Feeling for the first time? How could that be? I'm 32 years old, how could it be that I have never really felt emotion?

Then I realized she was right. I have spent all of my adult life self-medicating, usually with food. If this had happened 10 years ago, I would be face-down on the couch, intermittently stuffing my face with whatever sounded appealing at the time. I always had food, or the comfort of bulimia to placate me in the past. I didn't have to feel anything, because I could just use food, booze, or purging to mask anything that felt this raw or real.

For the first time in as long as I can remember, I am feeling real emotional pain. And I'm not masking it. I'm sitting with it, paying attention to it, addressing it. It's not fun or easy. It hurts to the point where I feel it physically. But it's there, and it's evidence that I have finally addressed something inside myself. I think there was a part of me that was afraid before, afraid that what I felt was too dark and scary and that I would never recover from it. As scary and uncharted a place as I am in now, I know I'm going to be okay. It might take me a long time to get to okay, but I know it's there.

I'm trying to grasp on to moments like this, because my bad days are still outnumbering my good days. It feels precious to have these moments of clarity. I know one day the clear days will outnumber the fuzzy ones, but for now I'm here, in the feel.

I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
I guess I should've let you win

Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you

I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me